Sunday 4 March 2012

The Sunday- Spreading Santorum Edition

Republican Primary definitions: Google 'Santorum', the former Pennsylvania Senator and contender in the ongoing Republican Presidential Candidate race and one of the first results you'll get will be the following:


Santorum 1. The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex. 2. Senator Rick Santorum


Figured a picture of this Santorum was preferable...
This helpful definition comes courtesy of Gay rights activist Dan Savage, who in 2003 took issue (as most reasonable people who wish for a tolerant society would) with Rick Santorum's comparison of consensual sexual contact between adults of the same sex with child rape and beastiality. An effective campaign raised the above definition to the no.1 return when one searched for 'Santorum' on Google. Rick Santorum's Google problem was born.


But why should Rick Santorum be the only candidate with an alternative definition to his surname. Here are some suggestions for the other three remaining competitors left battling the Republican Primaries.


Romney 1. The failure to seal the deal despite your competitors being a bunch of loony, crackpot hooligans
Example. I was out last night and me, Dennis Nielsen and Timmy Mallett were chatting up this girl. I totally Romney'd- didn't even get her number.
2. Former Govenor Mitt Romney


Gingrich 1. The confusion of serial philandering and lunatic spoutings with charisma
Example. His own troubles later in life stemmed from his youth, when he had Gingriched his fathers multiple affairs and recollections of 'that crazy night me and Buzz Aldrin decided to colonise the moon'
2. Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich


Ron Paul 1. A guy 20 years older than everyone else in a nightclub, whom nobody's quite sure why they're there and what they intend to achieve 
Example. There were a right couple of Ron Paul's out last night. Was chatting to one at the bar and he thinks we should return to the gold standard- joker!
2. Congressman Ron Paul


Arsenal- executors of footballing karma: Last week, North London Derby. Gareth Bales breaks into the Arsenal box and flings himself to the floor, deceiving Mike Dean into awarding a penalty that Adebayor scores to put Spurs 2-0 up. 
Diving- worse karma than being Welsh
Final score: Arsenal 5 Tottenham 2


This week, Anfield. Luis Suarez is slipped through in the box and flops over the onrushing Szczesny. Dirk Kuyt misses but Liverpool go 1-0 up minutes later.
Final score: Liverpool 1 Arsenal 2






Lesson. Don't go diving against the Arsenal.


Six Nations Picks: I chose France to beat Ireland. France didn't beat Ireland, but Ireland didn't beat France either so I'll score that a half point to me. Probably a fair result for both teams in the end, though the Irish can probably take a few more positives out of it than their hosts.


Wales over Italy- The prequel to the main event in Cardiff the week after when the Welsh seek to beat the French and achieve a well-deserved Grand Slam. I pity anyone who has to come into contact with Jonathan Davies over the next two weeks


Ireland over Scotland- Scotland have gone from a period of pathetic hope-destroying defeats a couple of years ago, to an infuriating series of spirit-uplifting but ultimately futile performances in recent times. Ireland will in all likelihood have a bit too much for them at the Aviva.


England over France- France have done nothing through their first three matches to convince me that they can beat decent opposition who come in and give it a real go. England put in a positive performance against the Welsh and I think they can ride that to a victory in Paris here, one that should convince the bodies at the RFU of Lancaster's suitability for the job long-term.

No comments:

Post a Comment